February 5, 2019

Boundary – A barrier to keep out unwanted items, or to keep in only the items that I feel comfortable with.

Still reading the book “Boundaries”. Just read the chapter about boundaries and the family. I love how the authors take me on the journey of looking back, seeing why I don’t have certain boundaries, and then providing strategies to stop the old behaviors and build new ones. My sister read the book which was suggested to her by my wife, at the time. It has given me insight on why I react to certain actions and words of others.

The first thing that comes to mind is “What happens in these four walls, stays in these four walls.” I couldn’t tell you how many times I heard that phrase. It has affected many aspects of my life.

What I say to my friends.
Withholding true feelings
Inhibited the formation of true emotional boundaries when hurt, excited, or lonely
Developed the need to please any superior, parent or boss and gain validation to show that I am good enough.
Stifled my willingness to ask for any kind of help

I have more but I think I’ve made my point.

So now what?
I need to identify more symptoms of my boundary issues. I have taken time to find some and I have enlisted the help of close friends and family.
Next, I have to identify the conflicts or what I call triggers. What makes me or allow others to violate my boundaries? That is a bit harder but I know I’ll do it.
I need to identify the need that drives the conflict. What part of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs do I need fulfilled?
Then, I need to find ways to fill those needs. I know I can have relationships with my family and friends, but I also need to find “the peace that passeth all understanding.”
Finally I know I have to practice the new found boundary skills. The old habits are not going to leave me just because I know something new. I have to apply them and have a circle of support while making mistakes and growing.

I have much to do and time to do it.
All I need do is…

 

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