January 24, 2019

I am in a cage.
I made it by saying Yes to do things I really didn’t want to do.
So, I lied to the requestors, “Sure! I’ll do it.”
Yet my heart is not in the requests.

Instead, I hate doing them. Resentment and more fear grow in me.
Once the tasks are done, I will be glad for them to be over.

So why do the things I don’t want to do?
FEAR.
Fear of hurting the other person.
Fear of losing out on a relationship because I said, No.
Fear of what would be said to others if I didn’t do it.
Fear of missing out on something because I wouldn’t be there.
Fear of breaking the false facade I created to help others like me for what I do.

All of those reasons are completely wrong for me.
I am not truthful.
I am building a fake picture of who I really am.
I am helping others out of compliance rather than true compassion.
I am not respecting myself at the cost of myself.

Now what?
I have to be truthful. If I don’t want to do something, say so. I should be afraid of the fallout. I’m not the only person in the world who can do the job and therefore an alternate can be found.
I have to pick my battles carefully as I don’t want to cut out the necessary things just because I don’t feel like it.

Who knows what could come of the No?
Truthfulness
A real picture of who I really am.
A life lived out of compassion for others and a true willingness to work with them.
A healthy respect for myself and a circle of friends who have the same for me.

That’s what I want…

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