February 9, 2019

Update:

My pastor talked about the new commandment that Jesus mentioned in John 13:34 and 35: “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.”

Here are my notes: One aspect of Christianity is how I deal with other people. I have been asked to talk to, live with, and love people.
This commandment was a revolutionary mandate. Until that point, He has told the disciples and multiple audiences to love God, love their neighbor, and love their enemies. So who is “one another”? Those who know me and live with me and/or are very close to me, my family.

So, those who are close to me are the ones I can’t fake out. I can’t put on a mask and hide who I am for long. Who I am comes out sooner or later. Through pressure, stress, or just plain tired of holding the mask up. That is why I believe a friendship that goes through thick and thin and stay together are the ones that will last.  It is a partnership where love is at a minimum, emotion and at the maximum, action. I define true love is where I will be there for people whom I don’t care for, can’t stand, and want nothing from me.

Here is a huge realization for me. Loving God, my neighbor, my enemy implies some type of distance. I can’t see God, my neighbor goes home and I see infrequently, and my enemy is just seen as often. However, loving one another implies a permanent invasion of privacy. They see me in all my glory and rawness. They also require something from me whether it be financial, emotional, or some other type of support. Those who are at a distance away require essentially nothing for me.

So this is where it relates to my February 7 post. It is easier to take advantage of a nearby object/person because it is always nearby there and won’t go away.  Taking things for granted has always been my downfall. Since it is now there, it won’t go away.

So much more, but I will end with this. When I truly love, I will be obeying the new commandment.

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February 8, 2019

“You have a large JUSTICE button!”

I am working through some emotional trials and have been for over 5 years. You see, I’m divorced. I hate that word and the stigma it brings. However that is my lot and I now accept it, the consequences, and difficulties it brings. I didn’t think that when it was beginning to happen.

Let me step back…

I grew up in a mostly single parent home. Mostly because my mom did the raising of us while she was married. I had chores and certain ones were my responsibility. If I didn’t do them, there was no one else to blame but me. Soon I developed the sense of this is my job and that is your job. As I got older, I learned that others would try to pass their work onto me. I would accept it because it made my life easier to do it and I could get it done faster than them.
Bad mistake.
Soon I would had too much work and I would promptly complain to my boss who gave the jobs back to the original people. They were none too kind to me after that. I was introduced to a valuable lesson, “There will be those who are difficult to work with and will get you to do their job. Don’t fall into their traps.”

I didn’t learn.

Which leads me to my point. I work hard and believe each person will also work hard since they have that job. (NOT TRUE)
I believe that I must work hard for what I want and need to invest time, sweat, and elbow grease. This belief is held by everyone else. (NOT TRUE)
I will collaborate at a high level and provide many ideas and suggestions to move forward in the tasks at hand. Others will do the same. (NOT TRUE)

I have to take responsibility for myself, my actions, words, and beliefs. No one else has control of me unless I give them the power over me. I can’t give them that power by looking at their faults, their lack of action, their perceived lack of work ethic and criticize. If I’m judging them, then I don’t know them.

I’m choosing to take control of my life and what I can do to make my sphere of influence a better place. I’m choosing to not let others control me and my actions by their attitudes and words.

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February 7, 2019

Another installment from Boundaries…

What kind of friend am I?
To be clear, I’m talking about friendships outside of marriage, romantic relationships, work, or ministry. There is no other reason for us to be together than simply enjoying the company of one another.

Uh, I’m not sure. I’ve had many friendships because of school, work, or some other type of function that we were both involved in.

Seriously, I’m thinking of each person I talk to and seeing how we are connected by some function whether it be a job, interest, or…
That’s what I’m missing! I want to be around them because of an attachment or common interest that binds us together.

Let me break it down. Those I see everyday at work are functional in that we do the same type of work. We will eventually find something that we have in common and will develop a friendship beyond work topics. That is the same with church folks. Once a week for four hours is not enough time to know someone.

To truly establish a friendship, there must be a reason to stay together, talk, laugh, play games, and enjoy each other’s company. Hmm.  Maybe that’s why I have developed some strong bounds with friends who live out of state. I get to spent just enough time to say hello and glean tidbits of things that are not social media relevant. However, there are some who I talk to every day, or nearly every day. Miles, time, and funds separate us. We say, “if only we lived closer..” I wonder what would happen to the magic of friendship? Would it deepen or cheapen because of proximity? “Oh, you are close enough that I can see you later.”

I’m not sure how others feel, but I know that my life would be more exciting if I could live closer to them.  With that said, when I left AZ I didn’t realize the friends I had. I didn’t see the attachments I had made. I was so caught up in myself, I didn’t take the time, nor spent the energy to be a better friend.

I’m sorry!

I will do my best to not make that mistake with others.

So boundaries with friends… I have them, but they are not tested by proximity, but by distance. Some have melted away completely, others are smoldering, while still others are burning warm enough to let me know I’m not alone and I have friendships for good.

Sources:
Boundaries pp 181-198
3 Kinds of Friends You meet in Life

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February 6, 2019

Gratitude – The quality of being grateful and thankful for the positive and negative events in life.

My friend, Jarod expressed gratitude today. He wasn’t sure he had said it before, but I can assure you he has. It made me feel so good that I have to do the same for the FETC peeps I got to see in Orlando.

But first…
Going to FETC was different for me this year. I first went to attend a special meeting. The second year, saw me present about the use of 3D printers in the classroom. Last year found me there just chilling out. This year saw me as a vendor in the Expo Hall. Just in case you don’t know, I love working for ClassLink. I have learned so much about myself while there that I must wait to tell you more. In fact, I have been sharing some of them.

Back to my point.
I went as a vendor and was there to help promote the use of ClassLink to teachers and administrators. I loved being in the booth, connecting with current clients, listening to their success stories, helping others do some troubleshooting on issues, and taking time to answer questions of skeptical potential clients. It showed me that having a duchenne smile and kind word goes a long way, even if they are just walking by.

Some mentioned I had turned to “the dark side”. I don’t see it as that. I see it as another way to support schools giving easier access to instructional tools for teachers and students. That didn’t stop my friends coming by the booth or me from stepping out of the booth to say HI!!! and give huge hugs. I hadn’t seen any for a year when for the last 5 years many of us saw each other twice a year. It felt so good. There were many more whom I didn’t see, but that is okay this time.

With that said, here are the pictures I promised…
Evan, Tisha, Rachelle, Mandy, Noah, Jennifer, Amanda, Lily, Claudio, Mitch, Fran, Michelle, Nikitasha, Roxanne, Eric, Jaime, Cassie, Leslie, Jeremy, Cathy, Steve, Sean, Matt, Dene, Naomi, Gabriel, Kitty, Wanda, Jerry, and Kristin.

Bold-First time meeting face to face
Underlined-spent more than ten minutes with them. (I wasn’t working!) Those times fed my soul and I’m sure it fed them as well.

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February 5, 2019

Boundary – A barrier to keep out unwanted items, or to keep in only the items that I feel comfortable with.

Still reading the book “Boundaries”. Just read the chapter about boundaries and the family. I love how the authors take me on the journey of looking back, seeing why I don’t have certain boundaries, and then providing strategies to stop the old behaviors and build new ones. My sister read the book which was suggested to her by my wife, at the time. It has given me insight on why I react to certain actions and words of others.

The first thing that comes to mind is “What happens in these four walls, stays in these four walls.” I couldn’t tell you how many times I heard that phrase. It has affected many aspects of my life.

What I say to my friends.
Withholding true feelings
Inhibited the formation of true emotional boundaries when hurt, excited, or lonely
Developed the need to please any superior, parent or boss and gain validation to show that I am good enough.
Stifled my willingness to ask for any kind of help

I have more but I think I’ve made my point.

So now what?
I need to identify more symptoms of my boundary issues. I have taken time to find some and I have enlisted the help of close friends and family.
Next, I have to identify the conflicts or what I call triggers. What makes me or allow others to violate my boundaries? That is a bit harder but I know I’ll do it.
I need to identify the need that drives the conflict. What part of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs do I need fulfilled?
Then, I need to find ways to fill those needs. I know I can have relationships with my family and friends, but I also need to find “the peace that passeth all understanding.”
Finally I know I have to practice the new found boundary skills. The old habits are not going to leave me just because I know something new. I have to apply them and have a circle of support while making mistakes and growing.

I have much to do and time to do it.
All I need do is…

 

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February 4, 2019

Imposter Syndrome
Have you heard of it?
I mentioned it in my January 2, 2018 #OneWord post.

I’ve talked to Crista about it and how I feel as though I don’t belong where I am. I ask myself, “What have you done to be worthy of standing where you are right now?” I compare myself to the fantasy-like lives of those on social media, but I know they craft their message. Their lives can’t be always up and shiny and glorious days of perfect hair, teeth, family events, and bliss. I also know that I project a similar image. I’m working on changing that image to reveal something less than perfect and real.

Back to my point. I read an article shared by the EdTechTeam and written by Kristina Mattis. Confidence in Leadership: How the Imposter Syndrome Can Impact School and District Leaders.

Powerful to me in a few ways.
1) I can identify how the Imposter Syndrome (IS) has infiltrated my thoughts, actions, words, and relationships.
2) Kristina provided strategies on how to overcome IS.

As I read, I can to a conclusion that many of my friends have some symptoms of IS. However, we encourage each other, we talk about our ups and our downs and even share them to show that we are so much alike. I can guarantee that if we didn’t do this simple acts of sharing, our relationships would crumble and we would go our own ways.

Hence, still the struggle to believe I am good enough to be in my job. I am good enough to have friends who care and look out for me. I am good enough to be alive and share my story.

Funny thing is…
It’s not about me.

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February 3, 2019

I was a growing boy. I ate everything I could because I had a fast metabolism. I remember eating out at a Phoenix restaurant called Tom Tate’s. It was a buffet and I loved it! There was so much food to see and enjoy. I distinctly remember having between seven to ten plates of food. I was ten years old.

I remembered having food in the house throughout my childhood. However, others in my household don’t recall the same situation. You see, I went to boarding school at the age of fourteen. My mom told me later that the grocery bill was cut in half when I left! I didn’t believe her. But just a few weeks ago my sister made a comment that struck me. She makes sure there are enough choices in her pantry so she won’t be limited to a few food items like when we were children.

This hit me hard. Then I heard another person give a similar story about not having enough to eat as a child. That daily experience made a tremendous effect on adult decisions to provide plenty of food for the family.

Children in one household see and experience the same situation differently, therefore the outcomes are different. I have been the positive, whatever goes, and mostly naive child, young person, and adult. I didn’t watch my back, learn how people can be self-serving, manipulative, and made decisions based on how they SHOULD react.  Those decisions made me see how life really was. I felt I wasn’t prepared emotionally nor psychologically for real life.

However, as I look back, I see people who were placed in my circle throughout my life, who helped me navigate various times of darkness. As a child, I had close relatives. As a teenager, I had my sister. As a young adult, I had a few friends. Now, as a grown man, I have a host of people I can call on for support. That said, each have their own role in my life.

Dunbar’s number is 150 friends. Dunbar’s layers say that you can 3-5 closest friends. The next layer is about 15 people. I can see that being the case for me. Without my inner 2 layers, I’m not sure where I’d be. Of course, the friends within the layers have changed, but all are needed for that particular part of my journey.

In spite of those changes, I know I can count on my sister. Even though we used to fight as little children, we grew to tolerate each as teenagers and then became a support for each other as adults. She has been a treasure and I thank God for her each day.

I love you, Sis.

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February 2, 2019

I once thought that I knew everything.

But soon I was proven wrong, but I didn’t listen to the facts from my family, my close friends, or even complete strangers. It has taken me years to see my ignorance and the false bliss in that ignorance.

No time like the present to open my heart, mind, and soul to those who tell me the truth. Time to shut out those who lie, cheat, and use me for their own gain.

Time to learn who I am.

 

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February 1, 2019

My first full day home since leaving for FETC.
I read an article about a young, 26, woman who committed suicide. Always a sad situation that can’t not be undone nor fully understood by those who are left behind. Whether we know them or not.

I share a link to her suicide note to give you context of what I’m about to say.
No, I’ve never thought about ending my life, mainly because I couldn’t leave questions of why in my family and friends’ minds and I don’t like pain inflicted on me much less inflicting it on myself.

She describes the best life of friends, family, traveling, experiencing life that others would never see. A part that resonated with me; “I often felt detached while in a room full of my favorite people.”  I have felt the same way in the past. However, I took time to recognize this feeling and then look outside myself to others and how I could connect to them.

Then she talks about the things she will miss. Unexpected hugs, coffee, visual sights and tastes. Her tone struck me as one who knows that she will not be able to have those again, yet so detached from it. I have had the same feeling of detachment from all that was around me. It was as though I was walking through life and  it was going on all around me. There were even times that I felt though I floated above it all watching myself and others.

One of her closing statements was Shikata ga’nai = It can not be helped.
I don’t know what could have helped her get a grip on her life or others and choose not to end her life, but I know what has kept me sane through my darkest times.

My Hope in God.
His Light shining through family and friends.
My Persistence to keep learning and growing into my purpose.

Rest in Peace, Tara.

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January 31, 2019

Have you ever…

Sat down with the intention to do one thing but end up in a place that you’d never thought?

Wanted to accomplish a task but was unable to for some unknown reason?

Made plans in advance and soul filling events occur because you made said plans?

Let me tell you a short story.

I made plans to extend my trip to FETC by 2 nights. One on either side of the conference. The first night was dedicated to catching up with friends, #my53s. The second night because I strongly dislike late night flights and early morning commutes. My body doesn’t do well. The second night found me once again with friends who also stayed another night.

The first part of the second night was with Jonathan and Tisha. We had a wonderful Italian dinner and talked about many topics including some edtech. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

The second part was with Kitty. We met up after dinner and some shopping. I’ve known Kitty for 5 years and met many times at conferences and talked some outside of those times.

This time, it was different. I shared the events of the last month and the continued reflections I’ve had and written here. I was able to talk with a friend who understands. I am learning to be open and supportive of others while standing on my own two feet. I am learning that being is difficult for many adults. I learned I am not alone in finding my true purpose in life. However, I also learned that maybe the journey toward a purpose is truly necessary to fulfill my space here.

I am not here by some random chance. Nor are the events I experience a series of haphazard constructions.

My heart and soul was filled by my time with Kitty.

Our meeting was intentional.

God’s intention.

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January 30, 2019

Last day of #FETC.

The hardest part of saying goodbye to so many friends and new friends is that it never feels as though you didn’t have enough time to say all that you wanted to say. Darting here and there requires time and effort to plan all the places you want to go and the people you want to see.

This year is different. I work for a company and have duties to attend to while at conferences. I am so focused on my job that I can’t be all over the conference center. I was in the booth almost all day both days. I had a company dinner for our clients to attend. This required me to plan around those times. I did and was still able to see my friends and take plenty of pictures.

However, I am not as tired as I use to be. I love it. I have timeframes to keep, therefore seeing a wonderful friend or meeting new people has a unwritten time limit. This is good for me. Those who know me, know I can ask many questions and keep a conversation going.

So, how do I keep a sense of balance? I walk. Everywhere. Tuesday was my long day. 5 miles. Why? Because it gives me time to chill, process thoughts, and recharge for the next opportunity. I don’t have a self perpetuating smile. It requires time and effort to keep it.

About the smile…

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January 29, 2019

BREATHE!!!

You have planned for this moment. Take a breath and slow down.

This was my thought process as I was checking in for my flight. I brought one bag and it wasn’t fitting in there personal item box. I believe I’m well versed in spatial awareness however the bag wasn’t in going as I’d like.

The customer service lady wasn’t calming me by saying it had to fit in the gate attendants were just going to ask for a credit card and $50! Nor by saying, “Have a nice day” when it appeared it wouldn’t fit. She gave me my ticket and walked away. As she did so, she suggested I step aside and see if I could adjust the bag so the bulky part that didn’t fit would be redistributed through the rest of the bag.

Pause.

Why didn’t she suggested that earlier? Why didn’t I think of that? The most obvious solution was there and I didn’t see it.

Why? Because I was so focused on getting to my gate to sit. I had time to relax and fix it. I had planned for delays, but yet was caught up in the moment in a panic.

So now what?

Chill, keep my eyes open, breathe, and think through what is happening. I can figure it out. I am prepared for this.

Breathe.

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January 28, 2019

What a day!
I didn’t know being on the Vendor side of education was so different.
Both sides, private and public, is about relationships. If I don’t show that I genuinely care about who I am working with, then I am being dishonest about my emotions and intentions.

Kind of like smiling.
Can’t tell you how many people have told me that I smile a lot. I think it is because I have a large mouth and show my teeth.

Here’s my point.
A genuine smile is called a Duchenne smile that has these factors:
The zygomatic major muscle enlarges the cheeks and exposes the teeth.
The orbicularis oculi muscle also contracts creating the “crow’s feet behind our eyes and closing the eyes.

A fake smile usually consists only of the movement of the zygomatic major muscle. The heart is not in the situation and a fake smile is better than nothing to ward off any unwanted attention as to why no smile.

Facial expressions are used to convey the myriad of emotions and are hard to control if I am feeling what is happening to me. However, I can fake a pretty good smile.
Now that I know, you know, I need to show my care and intentions through actions and not just my face.

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January 27, 2019

Today was a good day.
I have returned to FL to partake in a conference that I have made lifelong friends.

It was here I was first invited to share my knowledge 3D printing. Then the next year I was a presenter of what I learned from the year of 3D printing with students and personal observations. I also took time to be a co-presenter about Large interactive displays.

However the deepest changes came last year with spending time with friends. We spent hours in sessions supporting one another, eating, conversating, and making memories. The last day saw us almost crying about separating, however that was temporary. Through the power of technology, we created an avenue which we could keep in touch. Voice, text, pictures were shared throughout the year. We all encountered the ups and downs of life and shared much of them with one another. When anyone in the group met up with each other, we would take pictures and deepen the relationship. However, I have not been able to meet anyone since January.

That changed today.
I must admit. I held on a bit longer than considered normal, but that was communicated and expected due to the circumstances. I soaked in every face, laugh, and conversation. It was a good day to be with friends who care enough to have a long distance relationship every day.

#my53s

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January 26, 2019

Today I received a message…

There is a story of a warrior named Jonathan. He was the son of King Saul, the king of Israel. Jonathan was tired of the Philistines waging war on Israel. They had shut down all the blacksmiths from helping the Israelites sharpen their weapons. The only Israelites who had weapons were King Saul and his son Jonathan. King Saul was under a pomegranate tree and set back to let others fight his battles as evidenced by David taking on Goliath and Jonathan going up to the Philistines to fight them.

Jumping to the point…

I  give too much power to other people in three ways:
1- I let others dictate my self worth by looking at their Facebook and blog posts.
2- I have allowed others to negatively influence me to not rise to my potential and what I believe in.
3- I question my goals due to past rejections of who I am.

I am depending on others to sharpen my weapons.
I am not taking time to meditate on Who I believe in
I am not taking time to apply the principles I live by
I have “Saul-itis”. – Others are fighting my battles while I sit and watch them.

No more shall the Philistines invade my land, take my freedom, and I do nothing about it.
I have to trust God. I must take the mantle and go.

Jonathan and his armor bearer had to climb steep and difficult cliffs to get to the Philistines on the mountaintop before he could fight them.
The cliffs I climb are the preparation for the battle ON the mountaintop.
So, I will take each obstacle, set back, scratch from a rock or stick as a test for the topside battle.

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January 25, 2019

One year ago.
I knew it was coming, yet I desperately hoped it wouldn’t.

4 + years in the process.
Therapy session after therapy session. Hopes up then crushed to pieces.
Spending time enjoying life and love, while battling the WHY ME?!

And now 365 days later, still painful to look at pictures and realize, he is gone.

Uncle Jeff passed away from cancer one year ago.
This time, I knew he  was nearing his end.
I spent a few days with him and my cousins whom I meet years ago and some I’d never met at all.
It was very hard seeing him thin, frail, but full of a fighting spirit.
I was used to seeing him gruff, but laughing loudly. Kicking butt in almost every basketball game.
My goodbye came too soon because I was going to a conference to present.
I last saw him on a Monday. Received the call Thursday night. I was instantly surrounded by friends who comforted me and stood by me.

47 is young.
Yet, Turner men are known to die young.
Why?
Poor healthy habits, awful accidents, genetics are all causes.

So, as I lay in my bed still recovering from surgery.
I feel the scar of the surgeon’s sharp knife and know that I was spared by the Great Doctor.
Why?
Because I still have work to do.

I miss you Uncle Jeff.

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January 24, 2019

I am in a cage.
I made it by saying Yes to do things I really didn’t want to do.
So, I lied to the requestors, “Sure! I’ll do it.”
Yet my heart is not in the requests.

Instead, I hate doing them. Resentment and more fear grow in me.
Once the tasks are done, I will be glad for them to be over.

So why do the things I don’t want to do?
FEAR.
Fear of hurting the other person.
Fear of losing out on a relationship because I said, No.
Fear of what would be said to others if I didn’t do it.
Fear of missing out on something because I wouldn’t be there.
Fear of breaking the false facade I created to help others like me for what I do.

All of those reasons are completely wrong for me.
I am not truthful.
I am building a fake picture of who I really am.
I am helping others out of compliance rather than true compassion.
I am not respecting myself at the cost of myself.

Now what?
I have to be truthful. If I don’t want to do something, say so. I should be afraid of the fallout. I’m not the only person in the world who can do the job and therefore an alternate can be found.
I have to pick my battles carefully as I don’t want to cut out the necessary things just because I don’t feel like it.

Who knows what could come of the No?
Truthfulness
A real picture of who I really am.
A life lived out of compassion for others and a true willingness to work with them.
A healthy respect for myself and a circle of friends who have the same for me.

That’s what I want…

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January 23, 2019

Allergies

I am allergic to a few things:

• Milk (sodium caseinate, whey, to name a few)
• Milkweed
• Pine tree pollen
• Unethical behavior
• Poor grammar

I’m not kidding.

So what do I do when I’m are allergic to something I know?

• Avoid it
• Take a pill to block the effects
• Ignore it and continue to suffer the consequences of the allergy

I know I do each of these depending on what the allergy is and where it is located. Is that really good for me? Well, probably not. To truly get rid of the allergic reactions, I must take the excruciating time to question, research, hypothesize, test, verify, and repeat as necessary. If that process is good for scientists to get better at understanding and solving a mystery, why isn’t it good enough for me to use to understand my body, my personal challenges, and emotional reactions to life?

I think in order to BE this year, I have to take the time to figure out what I’m allergic to and then figure out where the triggers are and then get rid of them. Of course, that will take time.

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January 22, 2019

Full day.

Empty day.

Worked with teachers.

Drove 4.5 hours home.

I’m full yet not filled.

Tomorrow is not here, so I shall enjoy today.

A present to me.

Thank you for being close enough to talk and share.

Thank you for staying with me through this time.

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January 21, 2019

What a day!

Started with my sister at home.
Then dropping her off at her Manhattan hotel across the street from the Freedom Tower.
Drove up to New Hampshire with a co-worker through cold temps and light snow.
Talked to my boys, which were really excited to share their latest news.
Now in my hotel room prepping for an on-site PD which will go great!
However,

I’m tired.
I’m sad.
I’m nowhere I was a year ago.

Yet, I’m better for it.
My eyes are open wider to the world and the realization that it isn’t all flowers and sunshine.
My body isn’t what it was a year ago, but I’m better for it.
My circle of friends is a bit larger and I’m better for it.

So much more to say, but not now.
Delivery and clarity are critical to the reception of a message. Yet, the application is up to the listener.

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January 20, 2019

Time is up.

My sister has been a HUGE help since I was admitted to the hospital.

She has been by my side since then. She cooked meals, taken me out for walks when I needed to get out of the house. She has even allowed natural consequences to occur when I wanted to move more than I really should. She also made sure I was okay while I recovered from said consequences.

She has been my rock, counselor, and sounding board.

I will miss her when she’s gone, but I know we are closer because of her dedication to family.

I love you, Sis.

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January 19, 2019

Today my youngest son turns 8.

He shares the day with two other friends of mine.

He has been a huge blessing to me as he is his own person. Attitude, looks (he has some of mine), and a crazy knack to talk in different accents. His French accent is fire!

However, he wouldn’t be here if I and his mother didn’t have him. Marriage is tough and we were not the best place at that time, but we brought forth a second son.

I am thankful for her strength to take care of them while I am out of state. We have been working through this time of adjustment and I am grateful for the time I’ve spent with them last October and December/January.

I got a picture with him and his cake. I believe he has grown a few inches in the 14 days I’ve been away.

I can’t wait to see him again.

I love you!

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January 18, 2019

Strongest day yet.

All day at work and ate well.

However, I still have a hitch in my gitty-up. I could call it

• Thorn in the side.
• Prickle
• Barb
• Pest
• Torment
• Irritant
• Affliction

I will call it, “Reminder.”
A reminder that I could be six feet under, or flat on my back, or an invalid on a breathing machine.

A reminder to slow down, take my time, and enjoy what is going on around me.

A reminder to pay attention to what is happening close to me.

A reminder to sharpen my current skill sets.

A reminder to love the lovely, the apathetic, and the unlovable.

I have a purpose in life. Quite possibly more than one purpose. I believe I’m closer to knowing what they are.

 

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January 17, 2019

1 week
7 days
168 hours
10080 minutes
604800 seconds

The time since my ICD implant.

It has been a week of reflection, pain, healing, growth, revelation, high emotions, and connection.

How do I make it a part of my past? By remembering what changed because of it. I have the opportunity to live a life not filled with fear and unknowns, but a few less of them.

How shall I remember it? As a week that I was reborn. I am given a new chance to live.

What’s next?  I shall live.

Just BE me.

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January 16, 2019

Went to the office today.

It was good and exhausting. Did I rush back? Maybe, but I needed to leave the house.
Cabin fever was setting in.

I’ve been reading a book called, Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. In summary, learning when to say yes and how to say no to take control of your life.

The chapter I’m on is called the Ten Laws of Boundaries. Law #4: The Law of Respect. “We fear that others will not respect our boundaries. …We judge people by their boundaries.” pg. 116

My biggest fear – THEY.

They will be mad if I say No.

They will be upset if I don’t do it.

They will be disappointed if I don’t help.

When I thought that way, I was not free to make my own choice. So, when I acquiesced, I did the task out of fear, which turned into anger, then into resentment.

No more!!

When I respect someone’s choice to say, No, I expect the same in return. There is no judgement because they respect my boundaries. It may not be convenient for me to say no, however, they will find another way to accomplish what I was asked to do.

Now, my part is to let my No be No and my Yes be Yes.
I am not to fret that I have hurt someone with my No. They will find another way.

Boundary drawn…

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January 15, 2019

“What’s the rush?”

I have been in a rush.

If you have been following my journey, you know I’ve been told, “Medical issues. Return to a slower pace”. That message has been very frustrating yet important to my growth as a person.

I’ve been rushing to settle in a routine in a different city, get comfortable in a new job, know how I can be a contributing member in a new church family, and rushing to get a few projects up and going.

Even today… I was able to leave the house and take a walk. I was walking fast. I had to consciously remind myself to take smaller stride. When my breathing became labored, I had to take deep breaths and slow down. This is going to be difficult for me, yet I know I have slow down.

Funny. That is the solution I  suggested during my MOrEnet 2015 session.
To accomplish my life’s tasks and not hurt myself I have to set up a…

• Simple
• Logical
• Organized
• Workflow

Ironically, I have the structure for it, but it is still not fleshed out. I have to get the guts to do it and work together. With that said, I am learning I have friends who will help me do the work because they have the experience.

And to you, I say, THANK YOU.

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